The past six months, maybe a bit more, I have been struggling with a desire for life. After looking over my facebook photos, I can see in my face I have not been happy for a long time, but the isolation, loneliness and depression have been the most intense this last year. I work on the graveyard shift, which anyone who has ever worked it knows that it is a lonely and isolated shift. I used to work it with my brother, which was great and brought us much closer, which I love because he and I were not as close as my older brother and I. This was great because he is very strong in his faith, and spreads it to all around him, however I was not. I have and always have been able to put up a good front for those around me.
Since I joined the graveyard shift my life have become an Isolated existence , and even more so when when my brother left graveyard. Even furthermore that both of my brothers, and closet friend are all married. That is great for them, but priories do change when that happens. It is great for them, and I could not be more happier for them. However that does take the majority of their time, which is understandable, but does limit the time I can be involved in their lives.
Later, the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. Genesis 2:18
Being Isolated, many things can happen, while nothing is really happening. I fell deep into depression, lack of self worth, a desire for life and the point why to continue it. The only reason why I could see I would continue is to be there for my family, at times they do need me. Other than that, I really had no other need for this life.
I also am smart enough to know life will get better, so I know I would just need to stick it out. However when life has no appeal to you, it is very hard to want to stick anything out, after all, why would you want more of something you don’t care for. The hardest part is knowing that I was not living, I was just existing, just being here, that was about it…simply just here. Not living, just being. Simply existing, no more no less.
I was just existing, just being here, that was about it…simply just here. Not living, just being. Simply existing, no more no less.
What is the point of living, if you are not living? That was in my mind everyday, from the moment I wake up to the time I went to bed. Just another day, no different than the day before, and tomorrow would be the same. There is no point, I was tired of it and did not want to deal with the next day. Not caring if you wake up the next day is a very sad feeling; not caring if tomorrow comes is a horrid thing to not care about.
Not caring if you wake up the next day is a very sad feeling; not caring if tomorrow comes is a horrid thing to not care about.
Trying to give life some value or desire, I was trying to reach for whatever I could. One thing that always delve into was Pornography. In today’s society it is so easy to access, also working in the web hosting business, you will see it even if you are not in the mood to see it. It comes with the job. Society will put sexual messages in your face all day, there is no way of not having them flaunted in your face, day-in and day-out. After Pornography has lost its potency and was just something to fill the void of the time, things became worse. I just wanted to say in bed because there was nothing really worth getting up for. I was at the point where nothing was my everything.
I was at the point where nothing was my everything.
My brother always would ask me how I was growing in my faith, and I would brush him off or change the subject, because I was not and did not want to talk about it.
However after a while I did attempt to get back to my growth because I wanted ANYTHING to have worth again. So I started to listen to a sermon by John MacArthur on the Grace to you app, and the sermon I was listening to that day was perfect for me, it was not by coincidence that I came across it, I was directed to it. JMac was talking about how hard-times are good for us because that is when God’s word stands out the most, it is more direct and not obscure. Which is true; you can ask anyone who has passed through hardship.
This did hit me with strong conviction, and made me start to think about my situation and my depression. I also came to notice that another reason why I was not growing in my faith was because of my vices such as pornography, I wanted to keep it hidden away, just contributing to my lack of self worth.
After listening longer, I knew that I just had to give it all to God again, I was not actually alone, I never was. I think that God had isolated me to help be slow down and grow. When I was working and up during the day, I would always say I am too busy to spend time in God’s word. The truth for all of us, if we say we are too busy, then it is because we have made our self too busy. How many hours do you spend on social media or how about binge watching that show on Netflix? Now you see my point…. I am grateful for my isolation now, is it easy?…No, but now it gives me time alone to spend with God. God can give you a sign right out of nowhere no matter how dark your path and surroundings are. You just need to trust him on that guide.
My isolation is not easy, but it was/is necessary. Is my journey over, no it has just barely started. There have been major changes and my focus has changed. As the verse I quoted at the start of this post, man is not supposed to be alone. The full verse …
Later, the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make the woman to be an authority corresponding to him.”
For along time I have wanted a companion, and had such a hard time wrapping my head around, why I have not found one yet. I see all those around me finding people, some I even helped, but why would God not bring someone along for me? Simple, I am not ready for one, God has many changes to make on me to make me a good man of God before I am ready. I do want the perfect one for me, but God also wants to turn me into the perfect one for someone else. I am not that man now, I am now on that road, but not there yet. I have learned although I maybe be alone physically, God is always with me. When I was in the Word, one verse really stuck out and helped be start my climb out of depression.
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you do not be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
This verse actually had such a strong impact and helped me start my climb, I actually made it a permanent reminder on me. I got this tattooed on my right arm, so that everyday I can look over it and remind me, that I am not alone.
If you are feeling lonely or depressed, know you are not alone, you have a God that loves you always, He loved you before you were born, and will love you forever. If you do not want anything to do with God, may I ask why? What did he do to you for you to hate Him so? If you really thing about it, I bet you might be able to narrow it down to someone turning you off the idea, or you wanting to dwell in your sinful ways. I know before I was a Christian I did not want to acknowledge God because of my sinful ways, but I will save that topic for another day. No matter your sufferings, trust God with it, do not hold back, give it all to Him. There is nothing out of his hands, look at the bible, a book filled with flawed people God used. To be Human is to be flawed and be sinful, but God has given us a way to clean off those sins and walk with Him. He wants you, and wants the best for you.
Thank you for spending a few minutes with me and hearing some of my story.
Since you have already spent a few minutes reading over this, do me one last favor. You can get back to your emails, Facebook, or cat memes soon. Play this following video, even if you do not want to believe in God. The video is 6 minutes, you can either watch the video or simply close your eyes and listen. It might effect you, if not at least you took 6 minutes to just yourself. No connection to anything, just unplug for a few minutes and just take a few. You can get back to your IPhone soon.
It is under 6 minutes, just give it a listen, what have you got to lose?